Relationships that end can be a source of sadness, bewilderment and confusion. Where did it all go south…what is wrong with me…..what was wrong with the other person and ultimately why did I waste my time in this endeavor in the first place.
But the truth of the matter is that relationships failed are probably one of the biggest learning curves in the human existence and it is not so much focusing on allow the things that went wrong but rather choosing to learn and move forward from the lessons learned and in essence…making the relationship that ended a “worthwhile “experience in the journey of life.
There are several things that encompass our modern day fairy tale of what a relationship should be to what it actually is and we will try to examine some of the highlights here.
Don’t forget about leaving time available for yourself
Most of us have been guilty of this at some time or another in a love relationship and that is that you allow yourself to get “lost” within the other person. Spending time together is wonderful, but it is our individuality that defines us and our sense of self. Self-love and supporting our own world and interests is a precious and unique thing and actually embellishes a relationship and balances it out. Learning to structure quality time away and honouring time together is also a powerful life lesson in general while building self confidence in ourselves as well as others.
Stop trying to change the other person
At some point in a relationship there will always be differences that become apparent, however it is often these differences that drew us to the other person in the first place and when the time comes that certain qualities are bothersome perhaps the question is not so much how the other person needs to change as to how our response to these qualities has changed. Becoming self-reflective and open to your response to situations is empowering and actually can change the energy in a situation. If a person’s qualities are unmanageable regardless, perhaps it is time to consider that this may not be the ideal situation after all.
The L Words
Back to the world’s idyllic view that lust is supposed to last forever…was it but the other week I saw a commercial on TV depicting a dating site that showed a couple frolicking on the couch as it boasted that relationships were better over time with finding your mate on that site as if there was some magical recipe for a lifetime of lust. The reality is that a true relationship goes through stages, takes time and requires thoughtful effort. One of the most gratifying stages of the love bond is actually getting beyond the superficialities and butterflies and actually loving and feeling loved for all qualities….not just the attractive ones. Being cool and sexy is fun for a while but vulnerability brings intimacy.
Letting go with grace and moving forward is one of life’s great lessons
Finally when the end of a relationship is nigh, I believe how we manage the situation…and move forward is one the most evolving human experiences there is.
I can recall breaking up with boyfriends and the grace (or lack thereof) of how they managed the situation was a strong indicator of how well balanced the individual was in the first place. Not all relationships are forever, and when we start viewing them as not an end point but rather a fundamental part of the journey of life, we will be able to emerge a better person for it.
As a side note think about this. We have all heard about the wonder and magic of the first kiss, the first love, the first time (maybe not so much). But, what if we changed our way of speaking and thinking about love in that it is who we end up with that is the true prize if we have grown up sufficiently in our love lives and be eternally grateful for the journey that got us there!
“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.”
― Frank Herbert